Today's post was promised to Gillian who has requested I put something up for Christ's sake! (I take the lord's name in vain a lot.)
I have been pretty bad about posting but I would like to blame that on the constant stream of Gmail Chats that keep me from killing myself during my work day. Really, Gmail Chat sessions should be considered necessary by my employers and not time theft.
Lots to update briefly!
First - OMG. Was my last post a little sad and melodramatic? I can't tell. I reread it and am cringing even though I stand by everything I wrote. I just hope I didn't verge into teen angst territory.
Second - Holy hell I hate my job. I guess that isn't so much an update as it is a statement of fact.
Third - Gillian, also known as "The Instigator" has convinced me that what my life is missing is kickball. Let the record show that Gillian is sure that MY life is missing it and that hers is not part of that equation at all. However, I think that her life is missing cheerleading me through kickball. Thus, I am holding her to our pizza parlor pow-wow (also known as Jesse's Temporary Farewell party). Gillian, since I know you will be reading this post, you have to attend AT LEAST 4 of my 8 games.
After agreeing to kickball I realized that I have never participated in a team sport. Ever. Running doesn't count. From what I've been told, the only thing I really need to brush up on is my shittalking skills. Luckily I feel pretty confident about those.
Fourth - I am going to run a motherfucking marathon! I think that 26.2 miles deserves some serious swear words. I am doiong it through Teams in Training which you can read about here: http://pages.teamintraining.org/ctx/rnrseatl09/jwheelehuz . While you're there give me some money! I have to raise $4,100 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society before the event. It's kind of a daunting goal but I am willing to whore it up for anything that goes towards cancer research and patient support.
Fifth - It's cold in my office which is odd because it's hell here. Go figure.
Ok, that's it. Have to work.
Jesse - if you happen to come across this post - Peaches and Bears!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Monday, January 19, 2009
Bed In, Bed Out
I am going to talk about habits today - both good and bad.
As you can see, I have been stellar in updating. I am off to a slow start this year but have at least adhered to my initial goal of making the bed. Is it supposed to take 28 days to form a habit? I can never quite remember the numbers although 28 makes sense; since it seems to be the magic number of days you go to rehab let's go with that. I have reached a month now of my bed making endeavor and despite rushed mornings and a general disdain for routine it's stuck.
I know that making a bed seems like such a small thing to accomplish but for me it's a beginning. I have a lot of half starts in my past. A lot. So many, that I've spent a lot of time feeling like a failure because of it. And the more I feel like a failure the less inclined I am to try anymore. Making the decision to do one thing and to keep doing it gives me a little bit of hope that the more important stuff will get easier to tackle.
Right now I need this small shred of hope. I need something to keep my spirits high and my motivation strong. If making the goddamned bed is going to fuel this spark then I am going to keep it up.
I am at a point in my life where I am trying to sort out where I want to be. Maybe it's because my impending birthday has me sweating stuff. Although, it is more likely a result of my overwhelming unhappiness about the 40 hours I spend each week miserable and defeated.
I don't want to feel like this anymore. Every morning as I drive to work, I feel like I am handing myself off to my executioners. I find it hard to have faith in myself when I get so little back day after day. There is only so much criticism you can take before you start to adopt it as the truth.
I am failing myself and wasting my potential (And it was expensive potential! It takes a lot of pennies to pay for grad school.)
I listen to myself talk about this and keep going back to how familiar it feels. I've been here before, trapped in a situation that I feel like I'll never get out of. I've made a habit it seems to drive myself to frustration trying to turn the impossible around.
So I am making my bed. Every morning. I make it and remind myself that one day I'll get to roll out of it without a lead ball in the pit of my stomach.
As you can see, I have been stellar in updating. I am off to a slow start this year but have at least adhered to my initial goal of making the bed. Is it supposed to take 28 days to form a habit? I can never quite remember the numbers although 28 makes sense; since it seems to be the magic number of days you go to rehab let's go with that. I have reached a month now of my bed making endeavor and despite rushed mornings and a general disdain for routine it's stuck.
I know that making a bed seems like such a small thing to accomplish but for me it's a beginning. I have a lot of half starts in my past. A lot. So many, that I've spent a lot of time feeling like a failure because of it. And the more I feel like a failure the less inclined I am to try anymore. Making the decision to do one thing and to keep doing it gives me a little bit of hope that the more important stuff will get easier to tackle.
Right now I need this small shred of hope. I need something to keep my spirits high and my motivation strong. If making the goddamned bed is going to fuel this spark then I am going to keep it up.
I am at a point in my life where I am trying to sort out where I want to be. Maybe it's because my impending birthday has me sweating stuff. Although, it is more likely a result of my overwhelming unhappiness about the 40 hours I spend each week miserable and defeated.
I don't want to feel like this anymore. Every morning as I drive to work, I feel like I am handing myself off to my executioners. I find it hard to have faith in myself when I get so little back day after day. There is only so much criticism you can take before you start to adopt it as the truth.
I am failing myself and wasting my potential (And it was expensive potential! It takes a lot of pennies to pay for grad school.)
I listen to myself talk about this and keep going back to how familiar it feels. I've been here before, trapped in a situation that I feel like I'll never get out of. I've made a habit it seems to drive myself to frustration trying to turn the impossible around.
So I am making my bed. Every morning. I make it and remind myself that one day I'll get to roll out of it without a lead ball in the pit of my stomach.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Pajamaland Resolved
I've got a couple of things to tackle today. First, let's talk food!
Last night, after reading Jesse's post (http://breadbaby.blogspot.com/) about her imminent departure to pastry school in San Francisco, I was craving nachos. There is actually a logical explanation as to why nachos fell into my stomach's craving center. Jesse had expressed concern that Mark, her husband, will become severely vitamin deficient once she leaves as he seems to gravitate towards nachos only when she's not around.
Anyway, I had a nacho craving to appease! In my heart I was craving nachos from El Chile. However, seeing as I had already put on pajamas, I wasn't too thrilled by anything that wouldn't allow me to sit sheilded in my car. Just in case you were concerned, I did put jeans on - underneath my pajamas of course. I'm telling you -once those things are on they aren't coming off.
Last night, after reading Jesse's post (http://breadbaby.blogspot.com/) about her imminent departure to pastry school in San Francisco, I was craving nachos. There is actually a logical explanation as to why nachos fell into my stomach's craving center. Jesse had expressed concern that Mark, her husband, will become severely vitamin deficient once she leaves as he seems to gravitate towards nachos only when she's not around.
Anyway, I had a nacho craving to appease! In my heart I was craving nachos from El Chile. However, seeing as I had already put on pajamas, I wasn't too thrilled by anything that wouldn't allow me to sit sheilded in my car. Just in case you were concerned, I did put jeans on - underneath my pajamas of course. I'm telling you -once those things are on they aren't coming off.
Seeing that I was going to be limited by my wardrobe choices, Taco Cabana seemed liked the second best option. I was wrong. I ordered nachos and they were gross - like movie nachos. In and of itself this wouldn't have been so bad but I had real nachos in mind. Had the bag not already been a sopping mess once handed to me, I would have made it home and discovered it once it was too late. Thankfully I noticed it and was able to pull into the McDonald's drive thru just in time.
I ordered a Happy Meal because I suddenly lost all desire for anything nacho-like by this point. However, once the Happy Meal was handed over I felt really sad. Have you ever seen the old HBO "Families in Crisis" series? They were dramatizations of real stories. At the end, usually the parents (that was all that was left since a child ALWAYS died) would come on and give you a hotline number. I was OBSESSED with these as I seem to gravitate towards any show depicting tragedy.
One episode had Calista Flockhart - pre Ally McBeal and Harrison Ford - and she played a bulimic. Although I am not sure why, this scene is seared into my brain - she went through about 6 different drive-thrus and then binged in her car. It was pretty disgusting. (She also would vomit into old pickles jar that she hid in her closet.)
Although that is an extreme example, that is how I felt last night. I went to TWO different drive-thrus by myself. It felt pretty nasty. And even though I threw out the nachos and only ate a smidge of fries and my kid sized hamburger, I have yet to shake my shamed filled evening.
Luckily, this leads into my second topic! It revolves around past due resolutions. This is only a small tip of the iceberg. But to start:
1. Done with fast food. Although Taco Bell and Starbucks do not count. I don't eat it frequently by any means but I think it's time to swear it off completely. Oh, except for P. Terry's too! They have a super delicious chicken burger so that classifies as marginally healthy.
2. This piggybacks a bit on number 1. I am going to stop spending so much money on food. Specifically premade food from Whole Foods. Not only am I seeking to spend more wisely but I am also trying to cook more at home. My Whole Foods addiction is sad and mainly a result of laziness. However, I have managed to avoid them for the whole week and it has sadly shown to be a positive in more ways than one.
3. I need to moisturize. I know this sounds gross but this ridiculous weather has left my skin as leathery as my shoes. It's pretty unappealing.
4. Cookies. It is time for me to let go off my holiday habits. I can't have a cookie for breakfast anymore. In fact, I should probably stop expecting to eat one daily. Sigh. I will miss you cookies. I will miss you indeed.
Oh! I just realized that I HAVE gone to Whole Foods this week. But it was only once and it was to get a cookie. Sigh. I have problems.
There was another topic but it escapes me at the moment, so for now let's just sit happily with pajama fast food and resolutions.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The Oprah Wars
Did you know that Oprah is offensive in my office?
I put her on the TV yesterday and joked to my boss that 4 - 5 would now be our office's self help hour and that it was mandatory that everyone come watch it. He laughed and confessed that he watched Oprah.
My other boss however was not amused and sent me an email reprimanding me that this was improper use of the TV and that it being on would convey the wrong message to our clients.
Two things that I should make clear before continuing. The first is that this was the first day the cable was up and running so it is not as if there has been some ongoing dictate that I went against.
Secondly, to say I work in an inappropriate, female hostile environment would be a gross understatement. I have CONTINUALLY listened to conversations that objectified women, engaged in debates where my boss told me that he believed in women's respect but not in women's rights (what does that mean?! Even after an hour of discussion I am confused), been told that men have more testosterone and thus are more likely to be aggressive and justified in violence than women (this was somehow a supporting argument to their theory that men, more than women, are the victims of emotional abuse) and that being attractive is as important as intellectual talents (actually MORE important) and a fair justification for career success.
Oh, and during the summer when they were ogling a potential hire, I was told to not worry, they talked about me the same way before I was hired (oh you men and your flattery! Of COURSE I was upset by their talk because I was WORRIED that they might think I am ugly, because that is the ONLY reason that could have possibly been offensive).
That being said, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised by the two emails I received from my bosses. Oprah is WAY offensive and may totally convey the message that we AREN'T an office of misogynistic misinformed idiots. No, we must uphold our image of being completely in line with the rantings of Rush Limbaugh and his Feminazi witch hunts (Damn women and their wish for equality, let them burn at the stake!).
And heaven forbid I cross the line with my joke about self help hour. I could make a joke about being a stripper, someone coming on my face or smoking crack in my office and no one would bat an eye at the impropriety of such things. The jokes they tell are far worse.
I am drowning in this environment. I am fed up with the way things work here. More than any place I've worked, I am made aware on a daily basis that I am a second class citizen. My words have no real weight (I guess unless they are attached to Oprah).
I wish that the whole TV issue was an isolated event of what makes working here so difficult but it's hardly the first thing that has sent me into near crying fits of frustration.
There is little appreciation for what I do. Do you know that my responsiblities include negotiating our health insurance and processing completed deals? Do you know that I coordinated our entire move by myself? That is just the tip of what I do. Do I get thanked or congratulated for these things? No, instead, my praise comes through ensuring that there is constantly a cold supply of fresca in the refrigerator. I get yelled if I fail to remind the office of a meeting we've had biweekly since our inception (even though that meeting is in everyone's outlook calendar, listed in a bound book of meeting schedules possessed by EVERY employee and is posted on a wall sized calendar in our workroom).
I am damned in every way. Sigh.
Can you blame me for my planned escape?
In times like this, I am at least comforted by my continued bed making committment. It's so much nicer collapsing into a made bed after a horrible horrible day!
I put her on the TV yesterday and joked to my boss that 4 - 5 would now be our office's self help hour and that it was mandatory that everyone come watch it. He laughed and confessed that he watched Oprah.
My other boss however was not amused and sent me an email reprimanding me that this was improper use of the TV and that it being on would convey the wrong message to our clients.
Two things that I should make clear before continuing. The first is that this was the first day the cable was up and running so it is not as if there has been some ongoing dictate that I went against.
Secondly, to say I work in an inappropriate, female hostile environment would be a gross understatement. I have CONTINUALLY listened to conversations that objectified women, engaged in debates where my boss told me that he believed in women's respect but not in women's rights (what does that mean?! Even after an hour of discussion I am confused), been told that men have more testosterone and thus are more likely to be aggressive and justified in violence than women (this was somehow a supporting argument to their theory that men, more than women, are the victims of emotional abuse) and that being attractive is as important as intellectual talents (actually MORE important) and a fair justification for career success.
Oh, and during the summer when they were ogling a potential hire, I was told to not worry, they talked about me the same way before I was hired (oh you men and your flattery! Of COURSE I was upset by their talk because I was WORRIED that they might think I am ugly, because that is the ONLY reason that could have possibly been offensive).
That being said, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised by the two emails I received from my bosses. Oprah is WAY offensive and may totally convey the message that we AREN'T an office of misogynistic misinformed idiots. No, we must uphold our image of being completely in line with the rantings of Rush Limbaugh and his Feminazi witch hunts (Damn women and their wish for equality, let them burn at the stake!).
And heaven forbid I cross the line with my joke about self help hour. I could make a joke about being a stripper, someone coming on my face or smoking crack in my office and no one would bat an eye at the impropriety of such things. The jokes they tell are far worse.
I am drowning in this environment. I am fed up with the way things work here. More than any place I've worked, I am made aware on a daily basis that I am a second class citizen. My words have no real weight (I guess unless they are attached to Oprah).
I wish that the whole TV issue was an isolated event of what makes working here so difficult but it's hardly the first thing that has sent me into near crying fits of frustration.
There is little appreciation for what I do. Do you know that my responsiblities include negotiating our health insurance and processing completed deals? Do you know that I coordinated our entire move by myself? That is just the tip of what I do. Do I get thanked or congratulated for these things? No, instead, my praise comes through ensuring that there is constantly a cold supply of fresca in the refrigerator. I get yelled if I fail to remind the office of a meeting we've had biweekly since our inception (even though that meeting is in everyone's outlook calendar, listed in a bound book of meeting schedules possessed by EVERY employee and is posted on a wall sized calendar in our workroom).
I am damned in every way. Sigh.
Can you blame me for my planned escape?
In times like this, I am at least comforted by my continued bed making committment. It's so much nicer collapsing into a made bed after a horrible horrible day!
Friday, December 26, 2008
Vroooom
Today I feel like talking about my car. I can guarantee it is not an exciting topic.
I am really bad about renewing my registration and inspection. Right now my tags are sitting at 6 and 7 months expired respectively. It has become a contest with myself to see how long I can go without renewing them. (I am really hoping that I haven't just jinxed myself). Last time I made it about 10 months. It was so far expired that the cop who pulled me over (yes, that is the degree of urgency that gives me the required motivation to get it done) was amused rather than annoyed. He told me he couldn't believe I made it that long without getting pulled over. I told him that he ruined my goal of reaching a year.
In addition to my expired tags, I am also driving around with out of date license plates. The last time that I managed to get my registration they gave me new plates. While I am willfully ignoring the law (although I suppose I am already doing that with the tags but that is out of laziness not defiance!) I can't help it. I have a sentimental attachment to my plates.
My first car was a 1986 Honda Civic hatchback named Zeus. He was named so godly in hopes that he would live up to the name. Instead, we had a short lived romance due to a blown head gasket. It also managed to blow off the radiator cap. Have you ever seen a geyser of radiator fluid? It's both terrifying and awe inspiring. You can see why I didn't have the chance to memorize its license plate number.
Metis, my second car was shiny and new. I bought it while in college and loved it. Another Honda Civic, I knew this one was destined to last a lot longer. I have now had it for 9 years and it has been nothing but lovely. The downside of this car is that it is a silver Honda. Next time you are on the road or in a parking lot and look around. I guarantee a sea of silver Hondas will blind you. Thus, it has been beyond necessary for me to diligently memorize my plate number. Imagine my horror when they gave me new plates. I can't learn a new series of numbers and letters! Well, actually I can but I don't want to! Metis (This was Zeus first wife before he ate her. She is also Athena's mother. Said eating of Metis is why Athena was born out of Zeus head. I know it is totally nerdy but I was taking Greek Mythology at the time and liked the continuity.) is attached to her first plates and, like me, has not yet come to terms with the change.
The next phase of my lack of car care has to do with oil and tires. I can't remember when I last changed it. It's pretty damn amazing my car has lasted this long, isn't it? Also, my front tire is nearing flat. It sits at about half the inflation of the other tires. I can only imagine what kind of damage this is doing to my car.
Lastly, I keep a really messy car inside and out. One of the major advantages of a silver car is that it takes much longer to show the dirt. Unfortunately, no color of car can obscure five months of grime. The inside is no better. I have managed to clean my trunk out and it only holds laundry baskets and recyclable shopping bags. The rest of the car is not as lucky. It holds a lot. Right now the front seat can accommodate no passenger because it holds a clock that doesn't work, some receipts, a bag of stuff and a whole bunch of other stuff that is cluttering the whole thing. The back seat is better but not much except that I think it can fit a small child. I know it is easy enough to keep a car clean. Unless you are me.
In the spirit of starting the new year with better habits, the car is my next thing to tackle. I have already been pretty good about making the bed - I haven't missed a day since I started the blog! So, once I get back from this weekend, my car will become an immaculate vision. I think I will finally get the glass bits out from the time it was broken into (about 18 months ago).
So, like the bed, there will no be a car report. I am sure you can hardly wait...
Monday, December 22, 2008
Assortments
A random list of topics today:
1. Hate hate hate my job. I put in a time off request a few weeks ago and have yet to hear from my boss. I am fairly certain this means no. Am very pissed as I asked for the week of the 29th possibly the slowest week of the year other than this one. On top of it my ASSISTANT is off. Very pissed that she gets to take it while I do not. Especially as I worked late this past Friday night as well as Saturday morning. Am getting very tired of being treated so shitty and will have no guilt as I work on my resume next week while here.
2. Am debating running a marathon. Have been meaning to and wanted to run a half in January. I feel behind on training due to my shitty shitty shitty job. (When I talk about my job it is required that I say everything in threes to truly illluminate how strongly I feel.) My friend Kristin is going to be a coach for Team in Training (unfortuante acronym by the way for a woman's group) for a marathon in Seattle. Am beginning to get very scared about signing up but looking forward to something that will provide a goal with a structured plan.
3. My dad and brother came to visit last night for Christmas and I am happy to report that all went well.
4. Bed made for a consistent week!
5. This is a not so great post but anger and rage usually leave me with very poor communication skills be they written or otherwise.
1. Hate hate hate my job. I put in a time off request a few weeks ago and have yet to hear from my boss. I am fairly certain this means no. Am very pissed as I asked for the week of the 29th possibly the slowest week of the year other than this one. On top of it my ASSISTANT is off. Very pissed that she gets to take it while I do not. Especially as I worked late this past Friday night as well as Saturday morning. Am getting very tired of being treated so shitty and will have no guilt as I work on my resume next week while here.
2. Am debating running a marathon. Have been meaning to and wanted to run a half in January. I feel behind on training due to my shitty shitty shitty job. (When I talk about my job it is required that I say everything in threes to truly illluminate how strongly I feel.) My friend Kristin is going to be a coach for Team in Training (unfortuante acronym by the way for a woman's group) for a marathon in Seattle. Am beginning to get very scared about signing up but looking forward to something that will provide a goal with a structured plan.
3. My dad and brother came to visit last night for Christmas and I am happy to report that all went well.
4. Bed made for a consistent week!
5. This is a not so great post but anger and rage usually leave me with very poor communication skills be they written or otherwise.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Shopper's Delight
I am having a problem with Christmas this year. My problem is a sad one too. It seems that every time I walk into a store I am compelled to buy MYSELF something. This has happened consistently this month. On a number of occasions I have left a store with no gifts for anyone except myself.
I am not grinchy - I swear. I really love this time of year and get excited picking out gifts that I hope will be well suited to the receiver.
See, with my Dad it was easy. For years I have struggled with what to get him and typically it falls into one of two categories: stuff for golf or stuff for running. I decided this year that it was time to do something different. Luckily for me I stumbled into steak. Yes, after years of the same gift year after year, I made the brilliant discovery that give a man some meat and he will be happy (some exceptions may apply). Not only is this the best gift for my Dad ever but it can also be done online. The beauty of that being that I go with one singular purpose, there is no distraction, and there is no chance of wanting anything the site sells for myself. It's not that I don't love steak it's just that you have to cook them. I feel like that is better left to people who will not char a decent steak down to a hockey puck.
After the mail order meat success I started to think that online might be the best way to go. Unfortunately, not so. I am a picky shopper - picky in all things really (although I prefer selective, it sounds much more positive and less bratty!). For me, I need to really see something to get a sense of whether or not I like it because as we all know, looks can be deceiving. Thus, my attempts to shop online have yielded little success. I can't tell if I really like something. Plus, buying online means that if I don't like it, returning it will be a huge pain in the ass.
I, for the record, am the queen of returns. Not only am I picky but also indecisive. I don't mean to be, it's just that sometimes I get so caught up in the moment and can't resist the urge to buy. Then I get home and reality sinks in - how have I come home with yet another black skirt or grey sweater? It's then that sense and responsibility once again takes hold of my brain and lead me back to the store before my 30 days are up for a full refund.
This year has been the worst of all years and sadly, not too many excursions have resulted in returns because I LOVE everything I have bought. I would like to believe that I am just living in denial about the recession. Or perhaps I am enjoying some buying power before I find a new job that I fear will pay less than my current one (but then maybe I will be happier and not need the promise of wearing a cute outfit as the only way to convince me to go to work each day). Either way, I have to stop! It has completely been the most tempting of all shopping seasons.
Thankfully I am almost done with all of my shopping! I have a few small gifts outstanding and a final decision to make on a big one. But then I will done! And once again my bank account can live happily ever after.
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