Monday, January 19, 2009

Bed In, Bed Out

I am going to talk about habits today - both good and bad.

As you can see, I have been stellar in updating. I am off to a slow start this year but have at least adhered to my initial goal of making the bed. Is it supposed to take 28 days to form a habit? I can never quite remember the numbers although 28 makes sense; since it seems to be the magic number of days you go to rehab let's go with that. I have reached a month now of my bed making endeavor and despite rushed mornings and a general disdain for routine it's stuck.

I know that making a bed seems like such a small thing to accomplish but for me it's a beginning. I have a lot of half starts in my past. A lot. So many, that I've spent a lot of time feeling like a failure because of it. And the more I feel like a failure the less inclined I am to try anymore. Making the decision to do one thing and to keep doing it gives me a little bit of hope that the more important stuff will get easier to tackle.

Right now I need this small shred of hope. I need something to keep my spirits high and my motivation strong. If making the goddamned bed is going to fuel this spark then I am going to keep it up.

I am at a point in my life where I am trying to sort out where I want to be. Maybe it's because my impending birthday has me sweating stuff. Although, it is more likely a result of my overwhelming unhappiness about the 40 hours I spend each week miserable and defeated.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. Every morning as I drive to work, I feel like I am handing myself off to my executioners. I find it hard to have faith in myself when I get so little back day after day. There is only so much criticism you can take before you start to adopt it as the truth.

I am failing myself and wasting my potential (And it was expensive potential! It takes a lot of pennies to pay for grad school.)

I listen to myself talk about this and keep going back to how familiar it feels. I've been here before, trapped in a situation that I feel like I'll never get out of. I've made a habit it seems to drive myself to frustration trying to turn the impossible around.

So I am making my bed. Every morning. I make it and remind myself that one day I'll get to roll out of it without a lead ball in the pit of my stomach.

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