Friday, January 30, 2009
I have been pretty bad about posting but I would like to blame that on the constant stream of Gmail Chats that keep me from killing myself during my work day. Really, Gmail Chat sessions should be considered necessary by my employers and not time theft.
Lots to update briefly!
First - OMG. Was my last post a little sad and melodramatic? I can't tell. I reread it and am cringing even though I stand by everything I wrote. I just hope I didn't verge into teen angst territory.
Second - Holy hell I hate my job. I guess that isn't so much an update as it is a statement of fact.
Third - Gillian, also known as "The Instigator" has convinced me that what my life is missing is kickball. Let the record show that Gillian is sure that MY life is missing it and that hers is not part of that equation at all. However, I think that her life is missing cheerleading me through kickball. Thus, I am holding her to our pizza parlor pow-wow (also known as Jesse's Temporary Farewell party). Gillian, since I know you will be reading this post, you have to attend AT LEAST 4 of my 8 games.
After agreeing to kickball I realized that I have never participated in a team sport. Ever. Running doesn't count. From what I've been told, the only thing I really need to brush up on is my shittalking skills. Luckily I feel pretty confident about those.
Fourth - I am going to run a motherfucking marathon! I think that 26.2 miles deserves some serious swear words. I am doiong it through Teams in Training which you can read about here: http://pages.teamintraining.org/ctx/rnrseatl09/jwheelehuz . While you're there give me some money! I have to raise $4,100 for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society before the event. It's kind of a daunting goal but I am willing to whore it up for anything that goes towards cancer research and patient support.
Fifth - It's cold in my office which is odd because it's hell here. Go figure.
Ok, that's it. Have to work.
Jesse - if you happen to come across this post - Peaches and Bears!
Monday, January 19, 2009
As you can see, I have been stellar in updating. I am off to a slow start this year but have at least adhered to my initial goal of making the bed. Is it supposed to take 28 days to form a habit? I can never quite remember the numbers although 28 makes sense; since it seems to be the magic number of days you go to rehab let's go with that. I have reached a month now of my bed making endeavor and despite rushed mornings and a general disdain for routine it's stuck.
I know that making a bed seems like such a small thing to accomplish but for me it's a beginning. I have a lot of half starts in my past. A lot. So many, that I've spent a lot of time feeling like a failure because of it. And the more I feel like a failure the less inclined I am to try anymore. Making the decision to do one thing and to keep doing it gives me a little bit of hope that the more important stuff will get easier to tackle.
Right now I need this small shred of hope. I need something to keep my spirits high and my motivation strong. If making the goddamned bed is going to fuel this spark then I am going to keep it up.
I am at a point in my life where I am trying to sort out where I want to be. Maybe it's because my impending birthday has me sweating stuff. Although, it is more likely a result of my overwhelming unhappiness about the 40 hours I spend each week miserable and defeated.
I don't want to feel like this anymore. Every morning as I drive to work, I feel like I am handing myself off to my executioners. I find it hard to have faith in myself when I get so little back day after day. There is only so much criticism you can take before you start to adopt it as the truth.
I am failing myself and wasting my potential (And it was expensive potential! It takes a lot of pennies to pay for grad school.)
I listen to myself talk about this and keep going back to how familiar it feels. I've been here before, trapped in a situation that I feel like I'll never get out of. I've made a habit it seems to drive myself to frustration trying to turn the impossible around.
So I am making my bed. Every morning. I make it and remind myself that one day I'll get to roll out of it without a lead ball in the pit of my stomach.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Last night, after reading Jesse's post (http://breadbaby.blogspot.com/) about her imminent departure to pastry school in San Francisco, I was craving nachos. There is actually a logical explanation as to why nachos fell into my stomach's craving center. Jesse had expressed concern that Mark, her husband, will become severely vitamin deficient once she leaves as he seems to gravitate towards nachos only when she's not around.
Anyway, I had a nacho craving to appease! In my heart I was craving nachos from El Chile. However, seeing as I had already put on pajamas, I wasn't too thrilled by anything that wouldn't allow me to sit sheilded in my car. Just in case you were concerned, I did put jeans on - underneath my pajamas of course. I'm telling you -once those things are on they aren't coming off.
Seeing that I was going to be limited by my wardrobe choices, Taco Cabana seemed liked the second best option. I was wrong. I ordered nachos and they were gross - like movie nachos. In and of itself this wouldn't have been so bad but I had real nachos in mind. Had the bag not already been a sopping mess once handed to me, I would have made it home and discovered it once it was too late. Thankfully I noticed it and was able to pull into the McDonald's drive thru just in time.
I ordered a Happy Meal because I suddenly lost all desire for anything nacho-like by this point. However, once the Happy Meal was handed over I felt really sad. Have you ever seen the old HBO "Families in Crisis" series? They were dramatizations of real stories. At the end, usually the parents (that was all that was left since a child ALWAYS died) would come on and give you a hotline number. I was OBSESSED with these as I seem to gravitate towards any show depicting tragedy.
One episode had Calista Flockhart - pre Ally McBeal and Harrison Ford - and she played a bulimic. Although I am not sure why, this scene is seared into my brain - she went through about 6 different drive-thrus and then binged in her car. It was pretty disgusting. (She also would vomit into old pickles jar that she hid in her closet.)
Although that is an extreme example, that is how I felt last night. I went to TWO different drive-thrus by myself. It felt pretty nasty. And even though I threw out the nachos and only ate a smidge of fries and my kid sized hamburger, I have yet to shake my shamed filled evening.
Luckily, this leads into my second topic! It revolves around past due resolutions. This is only a small tip of the iceberg. But to start:
1. Done with fast food. Although Taco Bell and Starbucks do not count. I don't eat it frequently by any means but I think it's time to swear it off completely. Oh, except for P. Terry's too! They have a super delicious chicken burger so that classifies as marginally healthy.
2. This piggybacks a bit on number 1. I am going to stop spending so much money on food. Specifically premade food from Whole Foods. Not only am I seeking to spend more wisely but I am also trying to cook more at home. My Whole Foods addiction is sad and mainly a result of laziness. However, I have managed to avoid them for the whole week and it has sadly shown to be a positive in more ways than one.
3. I need to moisturize. I know this sounds gross but this ridiculous weather has left my skin as leathery as my shoes. It's pretty unappealing.
4. Cookies. It is time for me to let go off my holiday habits. I can't have a cookie for breakfast anymore. In fact, I should probably stop expecting to eat one daily. Sigh. I will miss you cookies. I will miss you indeed.
Oh! I just realized that I HAVE gone to Whole Foods this week. But it was only once and it was to get a cookie. Sigh. I have problems.
There was another topic but it escapes me at the moment, so for now let's just sit happily with pajama fast food and resolutions.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
I put her on the TV yesterday and joked to my boss that 4 - 5 would now be our office's self help hour and that it was mandatory that everyone come watch it. He laughed and confessed that he watched Oprah.
My other boss however was not amused and sent me an email reprimanding me that this was improper use of the TV and that it being on would convey the wrong message to our clients.
Two things that I should make clear before continuing. The first is that this was the first day the cable was up and running so it is not as if there has been some ongoing dictate that I went against.
Secondly, to say I work in an inappropriate, female hostile environment would be a gross understatement. I have CONTINUALLY listened to conversations that objectified women, engaged in debates where my boss told me that he believed in women's respect but not in women's rights (what does that mean?! Even after an hour of discussion I am confused), been told that men have more testosterone and thus are more likely to be aggressive and justified in violence than women (this was somehow a supporting argument to their theory that men, more than women, are the victims of emotional abuse) and that being attractive is as important as intellectual talents (actually MORE important) and a fair justification for career success.
Oh, and during the summer when they were ogling a potential hire, I was told to not worry, they talked about me the same way before I was hired (oh you men and your flattery! Of COURSE I was upset by their talk because I was WORRIED that they might think I am ugly, because that is the ONLY reason that could have possibly been offensive).
That being said, I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised by the two emails I received from my bosses. Oprah is WAY offensive and may totally convey the message that we AREN'T an office of misogynistic misinformed idiots. No, we must uphold our image of being completely in line with the rantings of Rush Limbaugh and his Feminazi witch hunts (Damn women and their wish for equality, let them burn at the stake!).
And heaven forbid I cross the line with my joke about self help hour. I could make a joke about being a stripper, someone coming on my face or smoking crack in my office and no one would bat an eye at the impropriety of such things. The jokes they tell are far worse.
I am drowning in this environment. I am fed up with the way things work here. More than any place I've worked, I am made aware on a daily basis that I am a second class citizen. My words have no real weight (I guess unless they are attached to Oprah).
I wish that the whole TV issue was an isolated event of what makes working here so difficult but it's hardly the first thing that has sent me into near crying fits of frustration.
There is little appreciation for what I do. Do you know that my responsiblities include negotiating our health insurance and processing completed deals? Do you know that I coordinated our entire move by myself? That is just the tip of what I do. Do I get thanked or congratulated for these things? No, instead, my praise comes through ensuring that there is constantly a cold supply of fresca in the refrigerator. I get yelled if I fail to remind the office of a meeting we've had biweekly since our inception (even though that meeting is in everyone's outlook calendar, listed in a bound book of meeting schedules possessed by EVERY employee and is posted on a wall sized calendar in our workroom).
I am damned in every way. Sigh.
Can you blame me for my planned escape?
In times like this, I am at least comforted by my continued bed making committment. It's so much nicer collapsing into a made bed after a horrible horrible day!