Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Maths Make You Mean

So, clearly I have taken a long hiatus. It could be because I had nothing to write about or that I have been super busy. That would be partly true but the main ingredient would be that I am incredibly unmotivated to maintain activities even if I enjoy them.

So to catch things up to speed briefly - marathon training is still in full effect. I am fundraising still which means that I am constantly baking cupcakes. It's all I do. That and run. I also am still having job woes.

I was able to tweak my roles here and that has helped quite a bit. The problem has been the residuals of my old position. Until we hire a glorified receptionist, I am still having to take care of processes that are huge time distractions.

The upside is that my old boss isn't really my boss anymore. This is good. The downside is that I still have to do things in conjunction with our accountant who may be the punishment my past life was deserving but I can't say I am certain about that.

At one point, I would argue she had every right to be frustrated with me. I was behind on projects - the cause stemming from coordinating our office move. This was truly the low point in my job and left me in tears on a daily basis. I stopped sleeping the whole night through, constantly freeting over the day I had just left behind and the awful one awaiting me. I spiraled into a hypomanic mess and was taking a pharmacy of drugs to get me through the day. (Months later I was rewarded by my boss with a criticism of what an awful job I did on the move overall. Very motivating when I look back on the toll it took on me mentally and physically). Moving an office shouldn't be the hardest thing in the world. However when it is being overseen by three people who refused to make timely decisions or contradictory one it became a logistical nightmare. Couple that with no help from anyone and the demands of a job that were already out of hand and it became a hellish.

Back to the point. I offer that as explanation and not an excuse. Although I guess it could be argued that they are one and the same. However, it was a difficult time and I was very overwhelmed. And in that meant that I was not as swift as I would have liked in completing my daily tasks, which didn't stop just because I was trying to take care of a huge project.

The accountant took all of this personally. I didn't get her things when she wanted them because I wanted to hurt her. Seriously, this is the stance she took. She told me this with tears in her eyes. Before you think I am an awful person, I would like to clarify that NONE of it was personal. I would never willfully ignore my work to get at someone. The fact that she saw it this way was beyond irritating. Since this time, after I apologized to her and calmly tried to explain that I was in an unforgiving situation at the moment and taxed well beyond my reserves, she has continued to operate on the pretense that I want to hurt her and try to make her life difficult.

How do you reason with someone who is taking an emotional slant on something that is not a result of intentional malice? Since then she has taken a passive aggressive stance with me and attempts to undermine me at every turn. I try to remain pleasant and kind to her because I have no choice. Even when I hear her grating giggle and ass kissery, I remain sweet and as accomodating as possible. While I don't indulge her ridiculous requests - it is not my responsibility to hand deliver her fedex packages to the mailroom - I try to stay on top of valid things she needs. I am in turn treated like a vile human being. The moment I leave her cube I hear her discuss me to whoever is closest.

She is toxic. I feel like her goal is to poison everyone against me. This in turn makes me feel paranoid and insane. Any interaction with her makes me feel like an insecure middle schooler certain that no one will let me sit with them at lunch.

I don't know how to handle her. Any time I have tried to confront her in the past, she acts like I am attacking her. She refuses to offer solutions and meets every request with a complaint.

I hate it. I hate her. Things are finally looking up her but she is tainting every day that I have to talk to her. I hate her, hate her.

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